around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
