omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So vagazzling was a success
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
