Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
