I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nicole vs. Life
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
