Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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