I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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