happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
