For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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