Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
