I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
