Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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