rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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