When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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