You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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