it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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