you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
