so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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