there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize