You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
