the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
