I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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