how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
this hospital has no fireball
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
