I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
