something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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