note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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