He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
