I'm gonna have a badass scar
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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