he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
