my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
