I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
