I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
