my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
