Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
