Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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