when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
