I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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