i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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