I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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