It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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