My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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