Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When are your genitals available?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
