I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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