i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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