I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
