No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
