So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
