security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
