Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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