I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
