I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
