Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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