can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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