I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She needs sedatives and a leash
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
