Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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