i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my shit smells like andre
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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