At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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