Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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