What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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