He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
